Disclaimer: Mom and Dad- You are well aware I am a married woman with a child. This topic is one I find that is not written about too often outside of scientific research articles, so I think it could benefit some new mothers looking for answers without all the boring science jargon. Read on if you like, but be warned: like my other posts I use my personal experiences as a way to relate to my research. :)
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After giving birth your doctor will instruct you not to have sex for a certain length of time. For me it was 6 weeks. When my doctor informed me of this all that ran through my head was: if sex leads to pregnancy and pregnancy leads to child birth, and child birth leads to having another screaming baby at home keeping me from sleeping, then who would ever do that again?! For me pregnancy was great, giving birth was a wonderful experience, getting pregnant was fabulous, but the sleep deprivation, the sore 'girly' parts, and the fact that my breasts leaked randomly throughout the day made the thought of sex less than undesirable.
When you're pregnant there's often a lot of worry about sex: Is it safe? Will my baby somehow know what I'm doing? Will my husband be mad if I don't feel like it for all 9 months? In most cases it is safe, no, your baby will not know what you're doing, and your significant other should be understanding enough to let you decide if you want sex or not. The first trimester I was too busy battling morning sickness and adjusting to the new hormones to feel sexy. By the second trimester I was more adjusted to the hormones, and the increased blood flow made sex fantastic. The third trimester brought on more difficulties where sex was concerned and I soon discovered it was more of a hassle than it was worth. At the end of my pregnancy sex became more of a tool I tried to use in order to put me into labor than for enjoyment. My sex life changed 9 months before I even brought my son home from the hospital.
I noted earlier my reasons for not wanting to engage in any sexual activities after giving birth to my son. Through my research I have discovered my reasoning's were the norm for a lot of women, and that science has explained some of them.
Couples that have just welcomed a new baby often find that sexual desire has decreased, not just for the woman but for the man also. One study shows that sexual desire takes the hit due to social factors like lack of sleep, stress, and the inability to find time to engage in sexual activities. Physical factors like vaginal bleeding, breastfeeding and the like, while they were contributing factors, did not rank as high. When I gave birth I had a slight tear that required two stitches. While the pain from these, as well as the other physical factors listed above made sex seem like an impossible feat in my mind, I too felt the exhaustion and stress from having a newborn at home impacted my lack of desire more. If you're concerned that your husband is craving sex while you're still fighting off the physical and social factors it is important to note that male hormones may be putting sex out of his mind. Vasopressin is a hormone that helps males bond with their babies that also puts a damper on their sex drive. While your hormones are returning to your pre-pregnancy levels, your husbands hormones are bouncing around as well.
Today's media is full of celebrities in bikinis that have just recently given birth. There are a few lucky women out there that bounce back quickly and with little to no effort- the rest of us are jealous. I looked great just a couple days after giving birth, granted I was definitely not back to where I was before I got pregnant, but I was very happy with my appearance. Since I have had so many issues breastfeeding I have had to maintain a high calorie diet, and due to the production of lactic acid my son screams when he tries to nurse after I attempt a work out. Both of these factors have caused me to gain a bit of weight since giving birth. I miss working out, but due to these two issues and the inability to find time get in a good work out I have developed some problems with negative body image. According to a survey by Women's Day I am not alone. Men whose significant others have recently given birth say their biggest concerns were for their partners body image issues. New dads realize that their partner has recently had a child, and that it is normal for our bodies to not look as they did before pregnancy. Women have trouble working up a sexual appetite if they don't feel sexy in their own skin. This is something that each women needs to find their own solution to: going on a daily jog, fixing their diet, buying a new outfit that shows off their curves, etc. What helps me is waking up in the mornings, putting on well fitting clothes and putting my make up on. I feel like more of a productive, balanced and an all around more enjoyable person to be around than if I were to spend my day lounging around in baggie pajamas. My theory, no matter how delusional it may seem, is that if I don't look like someone I would be attracted to, I can't fathom that my husband would be attracted to me either.
I admit that I was terrified that it would hurt the first time having sex once I was healed. After all, what if I misjudged how healed I was? I got the 'all clear' from my doctor at 6 weeks postpartum and finally worked up the nerve (and found the time) to make love to my husband at 10 weeks. It was uncomfortable, but did not hurt. My doctor, as well as all the doctors in my research, recommend using lubricant the first few times and make sure you let your partner know if something is too uncomfortable. Breastfeeding inhibits the release of estrogen which can cause vaginal dryness no matter how aroused you may feel. There's no reason you and your partner cannot spin this into a positive by trying out new lubes to find your favorites! Eventually things get to a new normal, and for most women sex will go back to being an enjoyable experience.
It is important to remember that sex isn't the only way to maintain intimacy. Make sure you find time to cuddle, massage one another, send each other loving text messages, whatever you find works at keeping you close with your partner. Most of all, know that it does gets better. Your baby gets older, and you and your partner will have more time for one another. My husband and I are still learning how to find time to connect with one another, and we have done an amazing job at making sure we both put forth the effort.
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